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I’m Not Waiting Till Marriage

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I’m getting ready to marry my best friend, and because I love her, I must say: I didn’t wait for marriage. And hopefully, she’ll be happy I didn’t.

Let me tell you the story of why I bring this up now, just a couple months before my wedding:

I proposed to my fiancé in December, when I didn’t have a job, didn’t have money, and didn’t have anything to my name but nickels and dimes. Some said it was romantic, but most people said it was foolish.

When the reality of marriage started sinking in, I wrote an article describing my sentiments on why I chose to get engaged at an early age. I honestly said that I got engaged at a young age because I was in love, and love for me is greater than timing, how much money I have, and other jaded opinions on marriage in our culture.

What I didn’t expect, however, were the millions of people who would tune into this belief. The article went viral in a short time, with millions of views around the globe and thousands of shares.

Hundreds of people were reaching out to me and blessing my marriage. But also, on the other side of that, people were condemning it.

People said I wasn’t ready.

They said I was too young.

They said I was idiotic for getting engaged without a job, and that I should start preparing for a divorce soon.

One person even found pictures of me, scribbled racist jargon all over it, and emailed it to me saying that I should go kill myself because I’m a minority with dumb thoughts on love.

This disturbed me of course, but one response bothered me even more. Multiple people said this when they commented on my future:

Just wait till marriage.

They said this as if I’m going to cross the line into marriage and instantly be dissatisfied.

Why is our culture so cynical on love these days?

People willingly choose to believe increasing divorce rates as a fact for their own lives. They let negative comments and views on love seep into their opinions on marriage, ultimately leading towards cynicism.

Marriage is a contract, they say. Marriage is the end to fun times. Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be.

People listen to that and carry it with them to the altar.

It’s no wonder more and more marriages are failing today. People are oddly choosing to believe a pessimistic view on marriage.

Some have even told me that love has nothing to do with marriage.

After writing that article, and hearing what people had to say about marriage and love, I realized something:

The reason for high divorce rates is not because people are too young, don’t have money, or aren’t smart; it’s because too many people have the wrong idea of love.

 

And yes, I said love. You might be someone who wonders what love has to do with marriage, but if you can’t see the connection so clearly, you might be mistaken on what love should or can be.

Here’s a definition of love that has helped me battle cynicism towards marriage:

Love means always taking the next step.

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This means sacrificing and letting go of what you believe you deserve for a better relationship.

This means handling responsibility and putting in the extra time, devotion, and effort into your relationship, so it can be something beautiful in your life.

This means actually committing and looking for more ways you could further devote yourself to the other.

Taking the next step is a call to not sell your love out short, and to be greater than what the world wants you to be. It calls us to put more into our love so it could be the grand force it was designed to be.

With marriage, you receive more when you give more. Entitlement will trick us into believing we deserve a certain fantasy life, where we are merely receiving more than we are giving. But, this isn’t truth. Ultimately, this will disappoint us when we aren’t willing to risk for our happy ending.

Selflessness, however, gives us a higher perspective, one that extends past the grim and woe of failed marriages.

Taking the next step with your love is a selfless action, which, if done right, will allow your love to be an inspiring force for others.

 

If you are facing criticism for your decision to love, use the negativity to propel you to be the difference. Enable your love to compel you to take the next step. Let your relationship be the game-changer. Rise above the cynicism and jaded culture of our day.

Give more and receive more. Inspire others. And live a love-story worth telling.

So to my wonderful bride-to-be, I say this: I’m not waiting till marriage to experience disappointment. I’m not giving up that easily. Rather, I’m taking the next step.

I don’t believe any of us should wait for a disappointing marriage. I didn’t choose to do that. Instead, I chose to fight for the best love possible, today and forever. It’s time for you to do the same as well.

Photo Credit: Brandon Christopher Warren via Compfight cc

  • Dr. Keith Stell

    Very well stated…very encouraging read…I am forwarding to my 20 y/o daughter who is getting married to a 21 y/o active duty service man October of this year. I am a pastor who married at 21 years old myself to the girl I dated 6.5 years…we have been married 28 years now…your position is why we have success, and Grace!

    • nealsamudre

      Hey Keith,
      Thanks for the support! Hope your daughter is encouraged by this.

  • Angie M.

    this was beautiful. i’m always worrying about money, jobs and i USED to worry about age.
    i always said, “let’s wait until we have steady jobs, and then we can think about getting engaged and setting a date.” although this is a good idea, my REASON for it is to make our marriage easier, our lives together, EASIER. then i realized, steady job or none, with money or broke, that’s not what makes marriage “easier.” marriage will NEVER be “easy,” but it’s an adventure and learning experience with the one you love.

    this article was a true eye-opener for me. and yes! people these days ARE more cynical with love as if it’s only for people who have it all put together in life! and some let the thought of LOVE seem like a fairytale storybook. it’s real, so treat it REALISTICALLY. bottom line, you don’t have to have your ducks in a row to get married, your ducks will NEVER be in a row completely, either way. that’s with any relationship, that’s LIFE ITSELF.

    • nealsamudre

      That’s so true, Angie!
      Battle the cynicism with your love.

  • Gary Dunow

    Great sentiments Neal. I think too many think they have to be practical about love. Love is the antithesis of practical. It is the most powerful thing in the world and we shouldnt try to harness that power through practicality.

    • nealsamudre

      Wow, great insight Gary! Thanks for the response!

  • Melissa Perritt

    Very well stated, Neil!! Crazy as it seemed to everyone else in my life at the time, I married at age 18. We were in love and wanted to share life as we experienced the world together – and we did – our marriage was amazing (he passed away in 2010 after 19 1/2 years of marriage), we had 3 beautiful children, and we lived our lives and loved each other fully. Trust me when I say that we didn’t have it all ‘together’ before we got married but we knew we loved one another and that God had so much prepared for us – together.

    • nealsamudre

      Wow, what a beautiful story Melissa. Thanks for sharing and inspiring!

  • Marcy

    This is a great article, Neal. My favorite line is, “sacrificing and letting go of what you believe you deserve for a better relationship”. What we think we ‘deserve’ may not be what we need for our happiness at all. A better relationship is more important, and sacrifice and serving the other may be exactly what is needed to bring that happiness in the end. So sorry to hear about the negative backlash you received. I guess that happens with topics that so many have been hurt and angry about.

    • nealsamudre

      Thanks Marcy! Your comment means a lot 🙂

  • Courtney Pierce

    Great Article, I think that in last 50 years marrying at 20, 21, or 22 was accepted and not thought of as young, last time I checked a 20 year old is a legal adult, why are we waiting to mature as such a later age then generations before us, I believe this is damaging to our society, lets grow up in the best ways possible marriage is honorable and a gift from God!

    • nealsamudre

      Exactly, Courtney! Couldn’t agree more.

  • Alyssa

    Thank you for posting this! I married my husband when we were both 20 years old. We’re both still in college and yes, it’s tough- but what part of life isn’t. I hate hearing people tell me that I’m “too young” and just “don’t get divorced..” The toughest part about those comments are that they are coming from people I just met, who don’t know me all. But that’s just it, those people don’t know me, and probably don’t need to or deserve to if they are going to be so judgmental about someone else’s life. I’m here to prove them wrong. You’re right- it’s not about having enough money or being prepared enough- it’s about love and commitment to another person.

    • nealsamudre

      Thanks Alyssa! You have tons of people who feel the same way you do.

  • Jessica Robles

    I swear marriage is a wonderful thing. As a woman who never had a vision for a wedding, or a successful marriage, I’m so glad I married my husband nearly 10 years ago. I’m optimistic we’ll be together for many more years. In fact, if I do have one wish, it’s perhaps I wished we’d married sooner (I’ve known him for almost seven years before he proposed). Love is not only essential to marriage and spending your life with an individual, it’s essential to live. Strive to live while you’re alive. The haters will always be there.., just not at the expense of your happiness. Many blessings!

  • Ashleigh

    I married at 24, and I still got the “you’re too young” or “you should date more before you can know” comments. I felt like I waited long enough, and think I have a better understanding of a happy, loving relationship than some. My dad screwed up his marriage and now they’re divorced, and he still tries to give me advice. I live by the rule of doing the opposite of what he did. Instead of thinking of what I can get out of my marriage, I think about what we can get out of it. We want to make our lives happier, less stressed, productive, and generous. And we do our best to give each other what we need to accomplish that.

    We fight all the time. We fight about every little detail. But you know what? I think our longest fight was maybe two hours. We’ve never gone to bed mad, and usually five minutes after a fight you’ll find us laughing or talking. I think fighting about the little details keeps them from becoming big problems, and that’s a mistake too many people make.